Are you aware of asexuality?
It’s the second day of Asexual Awareness Week, and all the celebrations may be confusing. You may be learning about asexuality for the first time or have only heard misguided information about it in the past. There are a lot of myths out there! Now is a great opportunity to go through these ideas and explore why they are wrong, or can even be harmful.
What is asexuality?
Asexuality is an orientation where people experience little to no sexual attraction, or a unique experience of it.
It can come in many forms, and every journey with it is different. As one of our volunteers says, ‘Someone being ace doesn’t tell you anything about their attitudes towards sex, relationships, or how they approach them. The truth is that asexuality is a spectrum. We’re a community of diverse and intersectional experiences’.
Myth 1 – ‘Asexual people don’t want to be in (sexual and/or romantic) relationships’
One of the biggest myths is that just because someone is asexual, they don’t want to be in a relationship. This is simply untrue. Asexual people can have sexual and/or romantic relationships of any kind. Just because someone has a unique experience around sexual attraction doesn't mean they can't desire certain aspects of relationships (which they often experience in their own unique way).
An asexual person may or may not be interested in romantic relationships; may or may not desire sexual relationships; and they may only pursue romantic relationships, only sexual relationships, both, or neither.
If someone is aromantic, however, they feel little to no romantic attraction, or a unique experience of it. While some people can be both asexual and aromantic, other people can be one or the other. They do not always intersect, so it is important to acknowledge and celebrate all the different aspects of a person’s identity.
Myth 2 – ‘Asexuality doesn’t belong in LGBTQIA+ safe spaces’
Some of the difficulties around acceptance arise from queer spaces. There is often debate around whether asexuality belongs in LGBTQIA+ spaces. Some feel that asexual people don’t belong as they don’t share the experiences of those who are allosexual (people who regularly experience sexual attraction).
LGBTQIA+ is an ever-evolving community that celebrates those who not fit into ‘straight cis’ narratives. Asexuality belongs here because in a world where sexual attraction is seen as a common trait, lacking this trait can make people feel like they don’t belong—that they aren’t deserving of spaces where they too can feel safe and supported.
Myth 3 – ‘Asexual people must be neurodivergent or have experienced trauma’
Many people like to find the cause of someone’s lifestyle, especially if it is different from the norm. This often happens to asexual people. Some ace people may be neurodivergent or have experienced trauma, which has influenced their sexual orientation. However, this is not always the case. People from any background can grow up and realise they do not experience sexual attraction the way most do.
This assumption can also create the stereotype that all people who are neurodivergent or have experienced trauma are asexual, which is not the case. This is harmful as it stereotypes people, and can ignore many different parts of who they are.
Myth 4 – ‘They just haven’t found the right person yet’
While this is a common belief that can come from well-meaning friends or families, it often does more harm than good. It is denying who the person is in hopes that they could be someone else. By thinking that an asexual person will change when someone comes along, they deny their identity. This sentiment is often expressed towards asexual people who don’t engage in romantic and/or sexual relationships, or pursue them in ways that others don’t accept.
Some people may mistake asexuality for celibacy, which is the personal decision to abstain for sex (which is often until their wedding). It is important to differentiate between them, as one is a sexuality and the other is a personal choice.
Myth 5 – ‘Asexual people can never have sex’
Actually, asexual people can choose to have sex if they want to. While some may be sex-repulsed and never want to have sex, others may masturbate or enjoy sex in their own way. The difference with being asexual, however, means they may experience it and enjoy it in their own way. Some aces may enjoy sex the same way they would enjoy a good book, for example.
Demisexual is an identity on the asexual spectrum where someone does not experience sexual attraction unless they have an emotional connection with someone first. Demisexual people are one of many aces on the spectrum that can pursue sex and sexual relationships.
Myth 6 – ‘People with asexuality don’t have hardships’
There’s a belief that that asexual people don’t have to face hardships like those who typically experience sexual attraction. That those who don’t pursue sex or sexual relationships have easier lives. This is one of the reasons why people may feel like asexuality doesn’t belong in LGBTQIA+ spaces. This idea discredits all the difficulties someone who is asexual may experience.
For example, someone who is asexual may feel isolated by friends or peers. Growing up, they can feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they are broken because they do not have the sexual desires that many other teenagers are experiencing. Even as an adult, they can be treated differently because they do not experience the same strong attraction that other people do. As asexuality is more well-known, these feelings will hopefully not be as common anymore.
Myth 7 – ‘Asexual people don’t exist’
As many as 10% of youth identify as asexual according to a survey done by the Trevor Project. Many people may be asexual, but do not know that the term exists. As awareness grows, people who are uncertain about their sexuality may try the label, better understand who they are and love it.
Further resources
There is a lot more to learn about asexuality. Here are a few websites that can help you if you would like to learn more.
Aces and Aros: The Asexual Umbrella