Come Undone: Xavier James’ Story

Out For Australia’s 30 Under 30 Award Winners all have one thing in common: they share their stories in a way that inspires us all. Xavier James is one of these individuals. His ability to be his authentic self is encapsulated in his memoir Come Undone: When Will I Be Free and with his work at PwC. While his journey may not have been easy, it has led to him learn a lot about himself. Now, he is using his experience to encourage and help others who may be in similar situations.

School Starts

From a young age, Xavier cautiously explored his sexuality. While he was only out to close family and friends at the time, a situation developed at the religious school he attended, where he had to decide whether or not to speak out. Xavier was the School Vice-Captain, and the Headmaster signed a public letter calling for religious schools to maintain the ability to expel a student or fire a staff member on the basis of their sexuality. Xavier was horrified. He became determined to convince the Headmaster otherwise, but inadvertently placed the acceptance of his sexuality and ultimately self-worth in someone else’s hands. It didn’t go as he hoped. 

Xavier reflected on the experience:

‘Sometimes people don’t speak or act because the fear of failure or uncovering the truth is greater than the fear of the unknown. I feared many things about what my sexuality would bring, but remained optimistic by not confronting them. That they were just in my head and probably wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age.

‘But all of a sudden, my fears felt validated. The fear of being outed at school, the fear of not being masculine enough that questions would be raised, the fear of not being accepted, the fear of losing mates, the fear of judgement, the fear of being ostracised, the fear of being alone.’

Come Undone

While the meeting may not have gone the way Xavier hoped, it was an important step in his journey. Later in life, he attended a six-month Authentic Leaders course delivered by Matthew Cooksey, who Xavier sees as a mentor and strong influence in his life. In this course, they explored self-acceptance and leadership through a LGBTQIA+ lens with access to a psychologist.

Xavier would also search for solace within the media. Unable to find what he was looking for, he decided to write a book based on his own experiences: Come Undone.

Xavier’s story was years in the making before he even made the decision to turn it into a book.

‘Come Undone was born out of diary entries I wrote from age twenty-one, as well as thoughts I wrote in my phone notes from age seventeen. I documented these to try to understand why I was the way I was, and logically unpack my sexuality. Anyways, I discovered that my mind might be relatively logical, but my heart often isn’t. So I ended up getting frustrated and in the end just had to learn to trust my heart for what it wanted.

‘I collated these entries to be the foundation for my book at age twenty-four, when I was already in a more secure place with my sexuality. Even though I cringe at some of the things I wrote when I was younger, I kept them in as it captured the authentic journey and that’s a crucial point of the memoir. Looking back on the completed story and my journey captured in it, I am very proud and already know it has helped others in their journey.’

Despite being relatively young, Xavier was able to create a memoir that spanned his personal journey, from age 16 to 23, discussing multiple themes. In his book, he explores mental health battles, marriage equality, religious freedoms, sexual assault, and young love that was forbidden to shine. It shares a Gen-Z perspective that is emerging within the younger generation.

Teaching the Generations  

Xavier sees three key factors that differentiate Gen-Z, and many of our 30 Under 30 Winners, from the previous generations. These include: the willingness to go beyond binaries and labels; the desire for authenticity; and education on mental health.

His experience with his school still impacts him, and he hopes his book will positively impact the way sexuality is taught in schools. When asked about how schools can be more inclusive, Xavier had a lot of thoughts:

‘I think a great first step would be for the school to publicly disclose a diversity and inclusion policy. Coming from the top of the institution, this would upfront set the tone as to what position the school is taking. It will help inform actions going forward and what curriculum should be taught.

‘Schools have a duty of care to all students and staff. The policies will attract feedback from parents and the community. I think this is a good thing and a necessary element to remove the discretionary elements of what is ‘silently’ taught to children. For example, sexuality was taught to me at school as being something you chose, and if you ‘give in’ to the gay thoughts, you are then weak. This had huge repercussions for my development, of which my parents would not have been supportive of if they knew. 

‘Others ideas include to celebrate Pride Month / Mardi Gras and the meaning behind the parade. Engage LGBTQIA+ speakers to deliver keynotes to students. Reach out to school-focused LGBTQIA+ organisations for advice and teaching resources (e.g. Minus 18 and Wear it Purple). Educate staff on the needs of LGBTQIA+ students. Establish a Rainbow People community or letter box where students can find resources, ask questions and be in a safe space.’

The School’s Responsibility

By creating a healthy environment for students to learn about and discover their sexualities, schools can also significantly improve the mental health of their students. The 2022 National Survey on LGBT Youth Mental Health by the Trevor Project has stated that, ‘LGBT youth who found their school to be LGBTQ-affirming reported lower rates of attempting suicide’.  

With people pushing for change, such as Xavier, we always have hoped that these changes will be made.

‘I also hope the growing popularity of Come Undone will continue to raise awareness and push policy makers to change Section 38 of the Sex Discrimination Act which allows religious schools (approximately one third of Australian schools) to expel a student and fire a teacher basis on sexuality. The message is tethered throughout the story, along with highlighting the lack of LGBTQIA+ education material in the school curriculum,’ explained Xavier.

Xavier’s Achievements

Xavier’s work has not gone unnoticed. Come Undone has hit #1 on the Amazon Kindle LGBTQIA+ memoir and has been hailed as ‘refreshingly beautiful’. He would later be recognised as a finalist for Mr Gay Pride Australia in 2022, interviewed by SnapChat on Gen-Z trends and featured on MamaMia’s ‘Living with Teens’ series. The year before that he became a 30 under 30 winner for Out for Australia.

‘I felt warm and fuzzy. The awards were something I had been following for most of my corporate career and I had the goal to be a winner one day.’

With Xavier still in the beginning stages of his career, we can’t wait to see what he does next. He recently joined the NSW Department of Premier and Cabinet, where he advises the government on social policy to address challenges NSW faces today and into the future. 

Find out more about Come Undone: When Will I be Free at comeundonebook.com and on Instagram @comeundone.book 

Nominations

The nominations for Out For Australia’s 2023 30 Under 30 Awards are now open. You can either nominate someone who insprires you or showcase all your efforts by nominating yourself.

Nominations close on 28 July. Good luck to all the entries!